HOT. DAIRY. PORN

Doesn't this booth from the North Carolina State Fair look like the sign that would be up above a strip club in a red light district overseas? I would suppose to the dairy obsessed this would be as exciting as the Lusty Lady Club in SF would be to the boob obsessed.

While they did their best attempt at a deep fried cheese curd, they were no match to what the Great Minnesota Get Together (aka the Minnesota State Fair) has to offer.

Behold the power of cheese.

I'd like to thank...

Dreams really do come true at the North Carolina State Fair. Case in point, look at Beauregard, the blue ribbon award winning sweet potato for 2007. Right after Beauregard achieved his dream of becoming the best sweet potato for the year, I had a chance to interview him.

Missy: So, Beauregard, how does it feel to reach the pinnacle of potato-ness?
Beauregard: Ma'am, I'm so proud to have achieved this level of success.

M: What's your secret? How did you become so fabulous?
B: Well, it was a multitude of things. I'd really like to thank Mr. Clarence Wilson, my farmer, because without him, I would not have made it. The secret really is a hearty dose of pig poo.

M: Pig poo?
B: Pig poo. I know it sounds gross, but really there is nothing finer. I bulked up right away once the poo treatments began. Once you get used to the smell, and think of it as a spa treatment, it's magnificent. I recommend it highly.

M: Hmmm, I think I'm going to have to stick with the more traditional treatments like Body Butter or Body Scrubs for my own personal enhancement.
B: I'm telling you, once you try it, you are going to love it!

M: Okay, I'll take it under advisement. Okay, now that you are the tops in North Carolina in the Sweet Potato community, what will you do now?
B: I haven't decided. I could go for the national title, but I think I may investigate some other opportunities now that Hollywood has come a-knockin'.

M: Hollywood? really? Can you share a little more?
B: Well, I had a message from the Ellen Degeneres show, an offer of a guest starring part on "Gossip Girl, a call from the casting agent for "The Surreal Life" and then Martha Stewart wants me to appear on her show.

M: Martha Stewart? My advice is to steer clear of that one.
B: But Miss Stewart is such a lovely woman, and I do love to hear about her cookin' tips.

M: Dude, all I am saying is stay clear of the kitchen when Martha is around. Girl's got knives and knows how to use them...that's all I'm going to say.

Wax on...Wax off

So, when one goes to culinary school, can one major in Japanese Steak House Chef? I went to one on Saturday night with a group of friends from work. It was entertaining, and less smoky than others I have visited, you know, when the big waft of cooked meat smoke floats into your face like when you sit around a campfire. [side note, my friend Cristina, an avid camper, said that she was taught that when smoke from a campfire blows in your face you should repeat "I love dead bunnies, I love dead bunnies" over and over, with the result being that the smoke will change direction and get out of your face. Give it a try and tell me how it goes someone out there in cyberland...]

My question about Japanese Steak House chefs is do they have a class that teaches all the signature moves? The onion volcano, as featured in the photo, or the catching of the shrimp tails in the top of the chef hat or everyone's favorite, the faux mustard bottle squirt on a customer - which is really just a trick bottle with a black string, were some of the moves that we saw Saturday night - and I have seen before at other restaurants of the same caliber. Don't get me wrong, my friends and I laughed and enjoyed the tradition of it - I just wondered how the information cascades down to every chef. Perhaps there is a Chef sensei that walks the earth like Kung Fu, and to him each student chef is a steak house grasshopper - graduating only when they finally capture that shrimp tail in their hat.

TMI

EWWW EWWWW EWWWW EWWWW EWWWWWWWW!

More information than I needed to know.

That kind of stuff makes me want to hurl. Sometimes I can be a real delicate flower - occasions are few and far between, but I do have my flower moments.

Tensions have been high at work. We have all been working really hard, but feel like we are spinning our wheels. My department tends to commiserate together and morale is low. On Friday last week, after a meeting that I was conducting ended, I was pulling the meeting room back together. I packed up the projector, shut down my computer, pushed in the chairs, and finally pulled on the screen to activate it's magic roller system to pull it up back to the ceiling where it sits hidden until the next time it needs to be used. As the screen slid up to it's final resting point, modern day office hieroglyphics made their presence known. It was 3 groupings of drawings. The first were simple circle faces - one with a frown, another with a smile, with the statement "turn that frown upside down". A friend of mine in the room confessed that she was the one had drawn that one, as she was in a funk and thought the drawing would pick her up. Another was a circle face with squiggly hair, and a goofy smile with a tongue sticking out of the simple U-shaped smile and said " be happy, it's later than you think". Not sure if they were commenting on that it was Friday afternoon, and we would be going home soon - or for those with a darker viewpoint, it was saying that we are one step closer to having a foot in the grave each day. That of course bummed me out. The third and final drawing was the one that resonated best with me - to grin and bear it essentially - because I am finding that NO ONE wants to hear me whine. Boo hoo poor me. I'm still a bit grouchy. Can you tell? - rhetorical question - no need to respond. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.........

A new trend

"Well we have 40 minutes before the movie starts. Let's walk around and kill some time" I said to my buddy Mike. Mike came down to Raleigh as my first official visitor. As a yankee, he was finding the differences between the north (he's from Minneapolis) and the south quite vast. He was having a hard time connecting with the culture - much like me - and what seemed to be acceptable and unacceptable here. Politically, the area differed much from Mike's views, and as a proud gay chap, he wasn't really feeling the comforting hug of approval for his way of life.

We wandered around North Hills, a lifestyle shopping center that resembles a little town with shops and restaurants in a Disney-like setting, with luxury apartments above the shops. Finally, it was determined that it was just too darn hot to be marchin' up and down the square, so we started back to the cineplex. On the way, we passed by the REI store. I was yapping away in my usual manner, and Mike pretended to listen like he always does. Suddenly I realized that I was walking by myself for about 25 feet. I turned around and saw Mike looking in the REI window at the display. He turned to me with a smile and said "Finally, something I can agree with here".

What did he see? A window display with two male mannequins with the tag line "Out is in". You know what? Mike's perception of that display sounds good to me. Nobody should have to hide who they really are.

What did I see? My perception of the display was "go outside more" which I just can't get behind unfortunately. You can get dirty, there are ticks, you could twist your ankle walking on uneven ground, what if you have to pee, you could get a sunburn, could get bitten by a snake.... I will be inside thank you very much.

Maybe REI meant gays should come out of the closet and go camping? Only they know for sure.

Urban camouflage

This one's been tickling in the back of my brain....there may be a diabolical agent among us here in North Cackalack. Each day I drive by a giant pine tree - or is it? My mind has considered the possibilities:

1) A cell phone tower feeling anxious and ostracized because it stands out as metallic and cold while surrounded by hearty, lush trees, to which it has transformed itself like a chameleon to fit in with it's surroundings.

2) A CIA spy tower - hidden in the midst of suburban Raleigh, listening in on all of the daily drama facing the yuppies of the 21st century.

3) An alien robot/machine hidden here waiting for it's orders from it's home planet to take over Earth like in War of the Worlds.


In reality, its probably just that all of the status seeking up and comers in this development of North Raleigh does not want to look at a cell phone tower everyday, so they demanded a faux finish on this bad boy, so every day is like Christmas at Kmart.

I hope they at least put flashing Christmas tree lights on it for the holidays for maximum tackiness.

I must be growing up

It's official.
I am too old to watch MTV's "The Real World" anymore.

That's okay, I have now filled that position with the newest pinnacle of trash, VH1's "Bret Michael's Rock of Love". Truly what fine entertainment should be.

Snack Time in the South

It's 3:30. My mind is having a hard time focusing on writing copy for a project at work. My stomach is grumbling - that Campbells "soup at hand" just isn't sticking to the ribs like I thought it would. I need a snack. I'm going to grab some change and go to the lunch room where the vending machines are to get a little something to get me going.

As I push the buttons of the vending machine, browsing for options, it hits me again that I live in the south. How does it hit me? By coming across Instant Grits as a food option in the office vending machine. I guess I have the choice between the grits, or vienna sausages in a can, or good 'ol pork rinds..

yum. not.

What would you do?

Before making a major decision, do you question what
decision another would make in your shoes?

I often try to think what my father would do when
making a decision, as his choice would most likely be
the most sensible. Generally, I have a hard time being
sensible much of the time.

That would make me a “WWDD” i.e. What would Dad do?

If someone was concerned about finding their “spirit”
they would be a WWOD – What would Oprah do?

If someone was unsure about whether or not to shave their head – What would Britney
do?

If someone was unsure of what kind of nose job to get, they would be a WWAD – What would Ashlee do?

This person that drives a green Subaru apparently has
issues with running into ghosts/crooked amusement park
owners, or is always in fervent need of a snack. I
would imagine they have chosen the best example to
follow for decision making as illustrated on their
bumper sticker…

everyone needs a silent sentinel

Have you ever been really affected by a character in a
book or movie? How many women wished they were a call
girl just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Women? How
many men thought it would be cool to be Tom Cruise in
Top Gun? Many I'm sure. On my street, there is
someone who identifies with the Ralph Macchio
character of Daniel-San in the Karate Kid. Perhaps it
was the majesty of the Crane pose Daniel takes at the
end of the movie, to foil his foe, or maybe it was the
struggle of learning "wax on, wax off" that touched
him so.

The Daniel-San superfan wants to reinforce the magic
of this character by making his presence present in
every day life. How does he do it you ask? By
leaving an oh so haunting photo of Daniel-San in
public areas, watching over us like silent Karate
sentinel can do...look for Daniel-San photos in your
neighborhood, you'll see he's watching over you too...

US VS. BEASTS

The ingenuity of man...

It's what separates us from beasts - the ability to
communicate with whatever is around.

I have deciphered that the person that wrote this
message was asking for medical assistance. I think he
only had enough sauce to write S - ER - which I have
translated into "Send the Emergency Response".

I'm guessing his arteries told him he had one McNugget
too many...

Still wrestling?

There is nothing like a demonstration at lunch time in San Francisco. The crowd was too thick for me to get a good view, but my buddy Joseph gave me the lowdown.
A group of people set up a kiddie swimming pool filled
with Tofu and soy cheese. Cheeky chicks in bikinis were
wrestling in it. The group behind this vegan display was PETA, who
was asking the crowd if they were "Still wrestling
with the idea of Tofu?". If any of you knew me when I
was growing up, the Fisher family embraced Tofu like
no others....

I didn't have my camera with me unfortunately when I
was in the midst of things, so I ran back up to my
office and took a picture from the window before I had
to go to a meeting. Of course there was a tree in my
way- curses! The photo, while far away, gives you a
flavor for the escapade.

What didn't make it into the photo was a lone family
of 5, standing across the street with a sign up saying
"real families eat meat"

They didn't have a crowd standing around them.
Perhaps if they were in bikinis?

Dangerkitty

Irrational fear #27:

I worry that when my back is turned while transferring my clean clothes from the washing machine to the dryer, the kitty that lives in the "silence of the lambs" inspired laundry room in the basement of my apartment building, will climb into the dryer without me noticing.

I fear that I will turn on the dryer, and not notice any howling or wailing the cat may do. I imagine opening up the dryer to find my clothes covered in cat pieces and tufts of hair, yet still surprisingly "downy fresh"...

Signs of the Times

As you are all aware, we are bombarded by visual
messages every day. Some are witty, some are stupid,
some are irritating. Each morning whilst standing at
the bus stop I see the attached message. It's a sign
posted in the front garden of our neighborhood drug
rehab halfway house. I'm sure its an inspirational
reminder for all that stay there. However, for me, I
am not inspired, I just get annoyed. It's just to
much like a saying that one would find on a plaque
that could be purchased at "Successories" replete with
a photo backround of a sunset at the seaside with the
silhoutte of a seagull in the corner.

I think that they should put more signs around the
city like that - such as "if you put one foot in front
of the other, you will go forward". Anybody else have
any ideas for signs?